Pull up a chair, pour yourself a cup of coffee or a glass of water/Diet Coke/Merlot/your beverage of preference. Stay awhile. I think this will be worth your listen.
Let me start by saying that I am a VERY private person. I don't get visibly emotional or share my feelings often. As a matter of fact, I'm historically just plain bad at talking about feelings, in general. However, I feel like this is just the perfect place to get things off my chest. When I thought-up this Big Girl Panties series, I hadn't planned this installment. But, duty calls, and God laid this heavily on my heart. I need to talk it out, and hopefully some of you out there won't mind listening. I think this little cyber-space might just be the perfect spot for me to, for the first time, talk about something I'd normally only talk about with a really, really good friend.
As a matter of fact, it was my sweet friend Lauren who inspired this post. My sweet friend Lauren who sat with me on my couch just last night as we talked about life, and just caught up. The same sweet friend who will be moving to Texas at the end of this year. While I'm so terribly sad about her leaving, I'm thrilled for her opportunities. I just know God has some big things planned for this little lady's life, and I can't wait to see how He reveals them. Lauren, this ones for you. Know that you're strong and beautiful and more kind than you know!
So, as I sat and talked with Lauren last night, we dove a little into the past. The not-so-distant past, mind you; about 2 years ago. The past when I had a boyfriend that I was absolutely convinced would be my husband some day. We'd met by chance {a totally odd story}, and, at the time, I would've told you that we "just hit-it-off." However, that isn't the case. I know it. God knows it. Heck, even the mister probably knows it. At the time, it seemed too good to be true. It seemed like just what I'd been waiting for. I thought I was in deep, deep love and I was more than ready to commit my life to this boy. Yes, boy - not man. There is a definite distinction between the two.
Anywho, here I was, a senior in college, life ahead of me. All I could think about was marrying this mister. I was bitten by the love bug, and boy was it ugly.
Then, as a blessing in disguise, everything changed.
Anger. Disappointment. Hurt. The loss of trust, followed by my realization that this was a person I'd never trust again. A person who I thought I knew everything about but, as it turned out, was not the person I thought I knew at all.
Y'all, for a girl who doesn't like to talk about feelings and keeps 99% of everything bottled up inside, this was a hard time. I wish I could sit here and tell you that we stopped talking cold turkey. That I was smart enough to realize this guy was an idiot and that I had enough self-worth to straight-up tell him to get lost. But, if I told you those things, I'd be lying.
I'd never really given my whole heart to someone before. I'm not good at that. But, to that boy I gave my heart. I'm historically a person who is too quick to trust, but not with people of the opposite sex. But, with him, I dove right in. It was like diving head-first into a pool with 3-feet deep water and those "NO DIVING" signs strewn everywhere. I had on blinders. I was hopeless. So, naturally, when I got hurt, I got REALLY hurt. That anger and disappointment I refer to, it reared its ugly head. And I mean big time. I'd given everything I thought I possibly had to give, all to this boy - commitment, time, energy. We'd shared in some special, monumental events - the marriage of my very best friend {coincidentally named Lauren... I promise I have friends with other names, too!}, my college graduation, the beginning of my career, his move from NWA to Van Buren to further our relationship, the beginning of his career, the weddings of a few more friends, our first trip to a college bowl game... The list goes on. Through all of those times, I remember constantly thinking how blessed I was. Then, it what seemed like an instant, all of those memories seemed like a lie. I was heartbroken. I couldn't get the closure I so desperately sought.
Fast forward. Hindsight bit me in the rear, it always does.
You know what I realized? I realized that, all along, and from the very beginning, I'd been making little excuses in my head for the things that were happening in our relationship that just didn't add-up. I realized later that, in the beginning of our relationship, there'd been just too many things I'd overlooked. Things I'd swept under the rug because I loved this guy and didn't want anything to interrupt our fairytale love. Then, later, sweeping under the rug, advice from people with no vested interest in this relationship because, after all, I wasn't going to let them ruin this for me.
Hold. The. Phone.
I never thought I would be that girl. As a matter of fact, I recall scoffing at girls in the past who found themselves in similar situations. How could they be so ignorant?! I'd given advice to girlfriends in these situations that if he "really loved you," it would just WORK, and he would treat you right. Here I was, kicking myself in the rear.
Hindsight, y'all. Hindsight.
I'll be the first to tell you that I now completely understand how that first heartbreak made you feel. I know what it feels like to want to cry yourself to sleep just thinking about those memories and feeling so betrayed. I totally get the gut-wrenching feeling you get when someone mentions his name.
I'll also be the first to tell you that this phase doesn't last forever.
I thought it did.
Do you know what it took to get me out of that slump? It took me REALLY getting hurt by him for me to take off those blinders, get some gumption, and tell him to get lost.
Now, it'd be all-too-convenient if I could tell you he'll stay lost.
Oh, he won't. No, he will not. He will come back around. He will apologize and beg for forgiveness. He will buy you flowers. He will take you to nice dinners. He will make you feel like a princess. He will tell you he's "changed." But, don't worry... It won't last long.
You see, my big girl moment here was realizing how much we, as women, really deserve. When I came to that realization, that boy's taunts and games became powerless. My big girl moment was giving it all to God. Realizing none of us are perfect. Realizing that sometimes all that glitters really ain't gold, y'all.
My big girl moment was the realization of the absolute truth to this statement:
"You must learn to be happy with and love yourself before you can be happy with anyone else."
Dear, sweet girls. How this statement rings true.
If you are going through this, or, like me, have already braved those waters, I promise the end is in sight. You deserve the world. The man God made for you will love you. He will treat you with respect, in all forms - respect for your heart, your body, your mind, your talents, your feelings. He will be a man of integrity and will take care of you. He will recognize that you're a woman with sensitive feelings, and he won't abuse that. He will understand what a priceless gift you are, and you should treat him in the same. He will be gentle with you; gentle with your spirit, your gifts and talents, your emotions. Hold out for him. Be patient and steadfast.
Do I still have moments in which I'm haunted by my good memories with him? Absolutely. Does he still try to wedge his way into my life, inflicting pain and hurt? Without going into too much detail... You bet ya.
But do you know what I do? I pray for him. Jesus says in his Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5 that we should "love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us." While it's difficult, it's what I do. And it's what it took for me to gain closure.
I pray for the struggles I know he's facing, because I shared in his pain and suffering through family issues and trials and tribulations.
I pray for his heart. That God will prepare it for the woman I know he will make very happy some day. I know there's a heart of gold hiding under that pain he's experiencing, because that's the same heart that made me so happy once upon a time.
I pray for his career. That God will make him able to provide. Because I know he's passionate about his job.
I pray for his integrity; after all, a man that can make a woman's heart hurt so badly could use an abundance of those prayers!
I pray for his future. That he will seek God and carry out His plan for the boy's life, because I know there's a willing and capable soul in his body that longs to bring glory to God's kingdom.
And, lastly, I pray for his growth as a man. That he will serve other people. That he will learn to respect and love himself. That he will be a man of his word. That he will respect women and respect his friends. That he will grow into a wonderful husband and father, after he's learned these things.
And, maybe, sometimes... I pray that he's playing in traffic when a bus comes speeding through, ninety-to-nothin', without stopping. You know, like that scene in Mean Girls.
I'M JUST KIDDING! I couldn't go this whole post without making you laugh! Remember that song "I'll Pray For You?" This song miiiiiiiiight make me giggle and smirk from time-to-time....
The moral of this story is to love yourself. To grow through life's struggles, and to become a better woman because of them. Hold out for the right man. Love often, but be careful and be selective. Guard your heart. Pray. One of these days, when you're happy as a clam with the man God chose for you, you're going to look back and laugh. You'll be thankful for that boy, and everything he taught you.
Every little thing's gonna be alright! ;)
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